Remember when you were the only one of your friends who was depressed? And nobody knew? You probably didn’t even know what depression was, or realize for a really long time you had it. But you knew you could never talk to anyone about your feelings, because they wouldn’t understand, and they might try to interfere when really all you wanted was to be left alone… And then suddenly there was a distant friend or two who were depressed. And, even though you wished they didn’t have to deal with such shit, you were secretly kind of glad you weren’t alone? Maybe you weren’t the only one suffering. Maybe someone else out there got you on some level. Maybe if other people were feeling this, it could be dealt with. And then a few more people cropped up. Then more. And then one day, it was like everyone around you was depressed. Or you were convinced they secretly were, and always made sure to closely monitor all your friends’ eating habits and bodies, making sure they were adequately fed and scar free. And maybe you helped a friend or two. Maybe someone noticed and reached out to you, too. And then there was that friend or classmate. The one seeking attention. And suddenly you started doubting your motives, wondering if maybe you were secretly doing it all for attention, that your sleepless nights and your numb days longing for the ability to cry were just a desperate plea for someone to notice you because you couldn’t claim the spotlight as easily as before? Possibly you then started to hate yourself, hate everything you’d become. And this kept going, spiraling worse and worse until one day you realized… This was never for attention. You just needed a reason to hate yourself more, and the people doing it for attention gave you the perfect mask to hide you from yourself. Gave you the veil you needed to lie to yourself in one of the best ways to make you hate yourself more than you could ever have imagined. And you came to this realization, but instead of clearing anything up, it just made you realize just how incredibly fucking pathetic you were. Or am I just crazy?
My friend wrote a huge post about his struggle with anorexia nervosa. And how he ate a whole unsupervised lunch today for the first time in two years… The post brought tears to my eyes, and made me a bit upset, but mostly incredibly proud and inspired.
I knew he was dealing with these issues. But apparently most people didn’t. I was expecting people to be the usual shitheads they are. But not a single one of the 51 comments was malicious. People can surprise you in so many ways. The fact that people didn’t see what was going on with him in incredible to me. The fact that people are so blind. But they went and turned that around when EVERY SINGLE PERSON was super supportive and encouraging. It restored a little of my faith in people.
I am so proud of him. And you all should be, too. :)